TRIGGER WARNING – Talking about drinking and drugs due to self-harming and suicidal thoughts.
Hello everyone. I did not want to write this post as I had to own up to the fact I have relapsed once again but I wanted to be honest with you and let you know that talking about your mental health is okay.
I have relapsed.
I started drinking again and taking drugs to cope with my bad thoughts again. I was going so well but since breaking my ankle. My routine got messed up,I missed the gym and my routine got messed up and I ended up relapsing. My bad days are more and I rarely have a good day now. I was doing so well but I guess that’s life.
Since drinking and going to the pub it made me feel like I had no problems and I felt like I was back to old me. I was laughing and smiling which makes it feel harder because now I do not know what is real anymore.
I was stable for a good amount of time and was ready to speak to my psychiatrist team about meds. But the April 19th was the day when my relapse started and it started creeping back in tiny amounts and I started to change for the worse.
It is hard to admit that I have relapsed and that I need the help again. I feel completely numb inside yet when I go out, I am hyper then I get and paranoid when I go out and so exhausted but I cannot sleep but, in the day, it is like the sleep creeps up on me.
My self-image is terrible. I cannot stand looking at myself in the mirror. I know I just need to ride the wave and I WILL get better. But right now, it feels like the fight is like that I am drowning and I cannot get back up.
I am sorry this post is not positive like my normal ones but I wanted to be honest with you.
Shannon Diana x